Obviously, it’s been too long since I posted a ‘real’ blog post. For the past few weeks or even months, I wasn't able to write an ‘acceptable’ post due to a lot of reasons. This semester, I wasn't feeling like myself. I've done things I know I shouldn't have yet I didn't give a damn about it.

This month, I've only wrote to join blog competitions and earn free movie tickets. It’s annoying. I created this blog as an outlet yet after reviewing my entire posts for the past few months, it didn't seem that way. I've been trying to write this post for a week now. There are times that I even wake up in the middle of the night feeling that I’m in the mood in writing this. Clearly, this topic is something that I couldn't write in one sitting (or maybe I could?)

Downward Spiral, a depressive state where the person is depressed and it keeps on getting worse. I got past this state. I think. I’m not even sure but if there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s the people that are here by my side, knowing that I could always count on them.

Even though I have my reasons, I know I've done things that aren't acceptable that even I can’t believe that I did it. If you have read my blog post, Understanding Depression, you’ll know that I have depression for quite some time now but I never thought that it would get worse to the point that I’m inflicting physical pain on myself. Yep, Self-Harming. I never thought I would do this. If someone told me a year ago that I would cut myself, I would have laugh in their face. Back then, I never understand the point of harming oneself until I realized that I’m doing it. My counselor told me that it’s a silent cry for help. For me, it’s kind of releasing some of my distress and it gave me a temporary relief.

Thankfully, I've stop doing it. My counselor ever wrote a contract to bind our agreement about this. Luckily, the scars in my arms aren't that visible anymore unless you’re actually going to look for it otherwise, it’s not noticeable. For days, I wasn't allowed to be alone in everything. Technically, I didn't have my privacy which is a very important thing for me. I always have someone by my side, literally, so I wouldn't do any kind of self harming even though I swore I won’t.

And that is only the beginning of my downward spiral...